Big Motorcycles
First off, it's important to understand why big motorcycles are loud
as they hurt the ears of anyone on the street or within 50 feet. Why is
this important? It's important because it's not about being loud; it's
about being heard, on your own biker terms.
Just
why one wants to be heard is not the question to ask jumbo sized
bikers. They really won't answer such a foolish question but just give
you a snarl and a jumbled mumble. In the end they assure you they know
but 'just can't seem to put it in words'; a typical biker behavioral cop
out.
It's all about the chopper but in a certain sense it isn't.
The true essence of bikerhood brotherhood is not riding but "talking"
about your bike. If there is one thing bikers love more than their bikes
it's talking about their bikes.
But who are we wannabes to judge.
Our middle-aged Michelin man bodies can't take much riding around on a
bare frame. We have to pull over, take a breather, get a beer and have a
smoke and most importantly look for any available opportunities to talk
motorcyclese.
The problem for amateurs is real bikers can tell
right away if you can talk motorcyclese or not. To get away from being
an obvious wannabe, you have to be proficient in motorcyclese.
Motorcyclese
is like learning a foreign language and the best way to learn a new
language is called immersion. If you want to learn Spanish, you go to
Mexico City. If you want to learn motorcyclese, you go to a chopper
shop.
Right away you probably guessed that chopper guys aren't
concerned so much about your spiritual needs as they are about your
motorcycle. Actually, if you really dig hard and deep enough, you will
find for many their spirituality is their motorcycle.
Having said
that, one then comes to the conclusion that the whole big motorcycle
thing is all psychological; a perceptual smoke and mirrors show. This
enlightened concept is almost certainly to be greeted with disapproving
biker growls.
Why grown middle-aged men would want to bruise their
posteriors and find solace with comrades that have also bruised theirs,
is well, a certain type of peak religious experience. On a certain
level. OK a lower level. OK, on a lower brain stem level.
But
more likely it's an aging body with little rebellion left that can
actually let the motorcycle do all the rebelling...that is of course,
unless one falls off. And at that point one may have to in fact enlist
the aid and succor of a professional biker babe.
The professional biker babe fills three primary biker functions:
1) keep her biker guy from falling off
2) pick him up when he does fall off and
3) wire him back with Mexican baling wire if he is in more than three pieces.
Clearly
big motorcycles aren't a typical female thing; biker babes are not
known for their dainty femininity. Most biker guys will reluctantly
admit there are better ways to chase after dainty women than riding
smelly, loud, big motorcycles. It emits an image.
And maybe that
image and resulting self image is getting closer to our answer. That's
why the only way to really learn motorcyclese and big motorcycle chat is
by totally immersing yourself.
It's not just the raw motorcycle technology, but the look and feel of your big motorcycle self-expression that truly matters.
The
first tactic is to speak wistfully of motorcycle parts like tapered
exhaust phalanges; understanding you really have to be wistful or it
will clearly ring phony. It's not just knowing about tapered exhaust
but having your self-expression actually exude tapered exhaust passion.
Then
again just for fun you could try going into the local chopper shop and
start talking carbon footprints and such; make sure to feel the warm
reception you get from all the biker tribe. Beware here as some of the
biker guys only think of face and footprint in one context.
Just
remember never insult a biker's babe...she might be his wife. These days
smart bikers are known to find women that drink less than they do so
they always get a ride home. To a certain extent that does dampen the
rebelliousness benefit but then practical is practical. After all, past
a certain age any barroom floor is just too hard.
And never
question a biker's motives; you can question a lot of things but not his
motives. So in the end we are stuck with fancy explanations like
'rebellious spirituality' or simplistic ones like 'better than a
scooter'. Right.
But like many bastions of thought, there one day
comes the true revelation like "Big guys ride big motorcycles because
they don't fit on little motorcycles."
Like many things in life,
the truth is often laced with disappointment. So take a deep breath and
rest assured it's okay. It's highly unlikely you will see 350 pound
men riding around on Vespas.